Forgetting to be Fearless

So, it’s the very first time I’ve left my Son to be babysat for more than 3 hours. Separation issues much?!

To make matters worse I have to go into the City today, why is this worse you ask? To give you a quick snap shot of me; the last time I took the train alone into the city was probably my second year of Uni… 2008. I mean, I had to buy a MIKI and it was so foreign to me I felt like an alien.

I’m afraid right now riding on this train, my typing out this blog is the only thing protecting me from awkward, unwanted eye contact from random strangers! To most this sounds ridiculous but I spend most my time now at home taking care of my son. Our little bubble has burst today. I feel as though I’ve forgotten how to be fearless on my own in the world. As though it’s been too long between drinks for me and my good friend “confidence”.

Some people might be reading this and can relate. Others, those that even know me well may not really believe it but the truth is blunt and the facts are straight. It’s a climb I find ahead of me. My identity as me, not as Wife/Mother or Karen Esco but just ME is currently under maintenance. I see this in a positive light, a means to start better and regain the fearlessness.

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Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are we have power beyond all measure… or something or other

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Pillow Talk #7 Friendship

Yes yes, it’s the ship that doesn’t sink (Oh.. Joey & The Manny! Friends, you still make me laugh)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about past and present friendships and it reminds me of something I read. It was something about friendships being for a Reason, a Season and a Lifetime. I’m not too sure but that sounds about right. I’ve been blessed to have met and become friends with an array of interesting characters in my life so far and in some small… or big way they’ve imparted a little bit of knowledge or perhaps taught me a lesson in my life. The people that surround a person can show you a lot about who they are true? I wonder what my friendships say about me. What about you?

Have you had a friendship for a Reason, Season or Lifetime? If so, is it quite clear to you now why people have been brought into and taken out of your life. I think it’s amazing how things work out the way they do.

 

Here’s some clarity. No moment is worth regretting for fate has a bigger plan for you and I.

Pillow Talk #5 Bedtime Battle

Sleep has abandoned me today.

My struggle is not unexpected however. Due to an unwelcome sleepless night yesterday I decided to join Isaac, my baby boy, in all three of his daytime naps. It’s no wonder I feel as though I’m fighting within my mind but the wandering thoughts zipping through my mind will not relinquish its stronghold.

This reminds me of a time in High School. I had this amazing and wonderful teacher who took us for meditation classes on our Wednesday afternoon periods off. I’d never meditated before and could never get into a meditation type zone except for this one time.

I remember a session of meditation I had, I followed this teachers voice and surprisingly my mind was opened and I could visualize so vividly her words. It was a feeling as if a portal between my conscious and sub conscious had been opened. I still remember the quite water streaming quietly over the stones. The red roses growing close by and my beautiful white chiffon dress soaking up the fresh crisp water as I walked bare foot. It lead to nowhere, nowhere at all, just a constant loop of pristine beauty; just being there was exquisite. I suppose tonight, I’ll be making my way there. Hopefully sleep will come to greet me.

May the sweetest dreams visit you in your deep slumber
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Credit: Meditation Waterfall

Pillow Talk #4 If Only I’d Known

“If only I’d known”

The words you say after finding out something that makes you want to rewind time. Whatever the reason; it can be overwhelmingly disappointing. That voice in your head says “I wish I had more time, I wish I hadn’t said all those awful things to you or I wish I had treated you better!”

Without a doubt that all sounds somewhat cliche but when you find yourself in a predicament such as this, cliche is off the table; screw cliche. All you do is absorb every little thing around you and remember each waking moment. For it’s within these rare moments that you realize the meaning of life, the reason for existence and why people say carpe diem. You see, today I walked down a cold footpath sprinkled with the fallen leaves Autumn left behind to find the warmth of a mothers love; meeting half way. If only I’d know what I know now perhaps I’d have become a better me sooner.

Carpe Diem

OOTD – Nana

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It’s Chilly today.

SCARF Jay Jays
AZTEC OPEN SWEATER Target
JEANS Target
SHOES Bettes
NAILS Revlon Craving Coral

I’ve been waiting to wear this open sweater out. Part of me wasn’t game enough because I thought the pattern was quite bold. Now, actually seeing it all together with an outfit I see it’s not too bad. Underneath I’m wearing a black singlet, the sweater keeps me very warm. It is slightly difficult to match printed scarves with it but this Neutral single colour one did the trick.

My shoes hurt me, I bought them years back but didn’t quite break into them, I will now. They have the cutest tassels on them.

These Jeans were a steal for $20. Perfect high rise for the post baby belly (Mothers ya’ll know what I’m talkin’ bout’). They’re meant to be three quarters but on me… Full length! Oh to be Short.